


Bite The Curb

by Nifflersfancy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Alternate Universe - No Powers, First Meetings, Humour, M/M, Meet-Cute, Sarcasm, Sassy Remus, Strong Language, i'm terrible at tags, sarcastic remus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2020-05-16 04:35:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19310725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nifflersfancy/pseuds/Nifflersfancy
Summary: Remus is fed up of his job working in retail and is usually not allowed to work behind the counters, given his short temper, sarcastic ways and no filter. But they are understaffed. And then Walburga Black walks in with her son.[It's better than it sounds, I swear]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [Inspired by Rostered On, featuring Sassy Remus. I don’t know what else to say. I wrote this within like 30 minutes and checked it very briefly, don't kill me. Enjoy????]

Remus could hear her coming. Everyone could. Everyone in the building had known where she was and what she was doing from the moment that she entered the small and overpriced shop that Remus worked at. 

They sold DVDs, games, game consoles, DVD players, phones, laptops and various other consoles and forms of technology. They were like a CEX but full-priced. Remus thought it was a stupid idea but they were the only place willing to hire a sarcastic arsehole teenager with no experience. He was now a sarcastic 22 year old arsehole that was stuck in a job that he hated.

She had slammed the door open so harshly that Remus had checked them for damage when she wasn’t looking. He had never seen the woman before, although did kind of recognise the younger lad that was with her. Not from coming in the shop but there was a lot of shops down the high street. Perhaps he was a regular or worker to one of them.

“I’m a bit concerned.” Remus didn’t even look up when he heard the familiar voice speak those familiar words. Peter was always worried about something, especially since he had found out that their boss, Horace, was planning on making Peter Assistant Manager soon. Remus had assured him that the old man had planned on changing Peter’s position when the shorter lad was barely skating by and doing the bare minimum but he wouldn’t hear it. He did everything he could to prove that he was management material.

Now, Peter went out of his way to make sure that everything ran perfectly in the store and it truly did make a difference. Sales had gone up, thefts had gone down, the shop was cleaner and everyone was happier. Apart from Remus, who was usually put on the shop floor, where he wouldn’t have to face the customers as much and his interactions with them went as far as pointing them in the right direction.

“About what? I’ll behave, I promise.” They were understaffed today, for the first time in a long time, meaning that Remus was helping on the tills with Peter whilst Marlene and James were testing consoles and DVDs/games. When it would get quiet, Remus would be freed to go on the shop floor until it got busy.

“Not about you.” Peter tutted, fiddling with a pen in his hand nervously. “Her. That woman.” Remus then looked up and saw that Peter was subtly nodding towards the obnoxious woman and her son. Remus scoffed.

“Why? They stopped burning witches at the stake in like 1693, she’ll be fine.” He muttered sarcastically with an eye roll as the labels that he was printing began to come out of the machine. He checked them all briefly as they came through. He merely smirked when he felt Peter hit him on the arm. Before Peter could scold him, he had to address a customer.

“Hi, how are you?” He greeted in his usual cheery voice, a polite smile on his face. Remus looked up, raising a brow as an xbox was dumped on the counter in front of them, clearly shoved into its box. 

“Not too good, actually. I need to return this. Now.” Remus looked back down, already annoyed by the woman’s very clearly fake smile and sharp voice. As if whatever was wrong was Peter’s fault. Remus had no poker face at all and knew that the displeasure was clearer on his face than it was on the awful woman’s.

“Okay, no problem! I can do that. What’s wrong with it?” Peter asked, pulling the box closer, logging into their system and then scanning the box whilst simultaneously putting the xbox more neatly into the box.

“It’s broken. It doesn’t work.” The woman said, as if it were obvious. Remus rolled his eyes, sure that the woman wouldn’t see but was surprised to hear a short laugh that was quickly covered by a cough. The lad around Remus’ age, clearly her son or a relative, given their shared looks, stood beside her and was watching Remus closely. Although unlike the cold look in the ghastly woman’s eyes, the young lad appeared to be holding back laughter, his eyes shining with amusement. 

Remus looked down, unsure of how to react, and kept checking the labels as they all stood in silence for a few moments before Peter spoke up again.

“It doesn’t seem to be scanning.” He said with a frown. Remus looked over and held a hand out, taking the scanner from Peter, who let it go willingly so that Remus could have a go. He did everything he could to scan it as the conversation continued.

“Well, what does that mean?” 

“It means it’s not in our system.” A brief pause as Peter looked over at Remus, who was now aggressively trying to get it to work with a scanner from another till. “When did you buy it?” He questioned when Remus gave up, putting the xbox back on the counter between them but now watched the interaction openly between them, refusing to look the son in the eyes. He could feel his stare. “When did you buy it?”

He met his eyes for a second and, very maturely, pulled a funny face at the other lad, which only got him a grin in return. Why had he thought that would get him to stop staring? He turned his attention back to the conversation.

“Well… I don’t know.” The woman tutted. “Look, can you hurry this, I’ve got a lot to do today.” Well, Remus had nowhere to go for another two hours and he knew that Peter didn’t finish for another five so they could drag it out for as long as they wanted if she didn’t stop being so rude.

“Alright, sorry.” Peter somehow managed to sound so cheery as he smiled at the woman. Remus would have told her to fuck off by now, had he been in Peter’s position. “Have you got a receipt?”

The woman looked at him with a look that clearly showed how stupid she thought that idea was. “Well, I don’t think so. I don’t hang on to every piece of rubbish I find.” She scoffed.

“Well, we can’t really do anything without a receipt for proof of purchase.” Peter said apologetically, looking at Remus unsurely, as if he thought that Remus would have a better answer than ‘fuck off’.

“Look, I don’t have time for this. I spend a lot of money here, you know!” She announced loudly, clearly trying to intimidate them into giving her what she wanted. Remus could tell that Peter was close to giving in so he subtly elbowed him. The woman looked from Remus to Peter several times, clearly seeing the apologetic look on Peter’s face and the unimpressed one on Remus’.

“Look, mother… I told you that this wouldn’t work.” Ah, so he does speak. The other lad had a surprisingly soft voice and his posh accent suited his stiff posture and immaculate image well. Remus felt like rubbish in comparison to him. 

“Quiet, Sirius.” She hissed. Clearly not wanting to give up and leave now that she had caused such a scene, she lifted her bag onto the counter and began searching through it quickly, glancing up at the two workers every few seconds as if expecting them to change their minds and just give in. “Bloody ridiculous.” She muttered, as if that would help as well as she continued her aggressive search before she let out a triumphant noise and slammed a receipt down on the counter.

“There you go. Right, can I have my money back now, please?” She questioned, clearly annoyed at the way she had been treated. Peter had a look at the receipt and frowned, showing it to Remius before putting the receipt on the counter and pushing the xbox closer to her.

“This is from another shop.” Peter pointed out, his polite and cheery way faltering, grin now undeniably fake.

“No, it’s not.”

“...Yes, it is.” Remus couldn’t help smirking as he watched the exchange. “I can’t return this.”

“Why not?” She demanded.

“Because you didn’t buy it here?” It sounded like a question. Remus could not believe how ridiculous this woman was. How thick she was.

“Well, what does it matter where I bought it? You sell them here so just put it on the shelf and sell it.” She scoffed.

“I thought you said it was broken?” Remus wanted to intervene so badly but he had promised that he would keep his mouth shut.

“Well, after you fix it, obviously.” The woman scoffed, looking at Peter with so much disgust that Remus saw him shrink back, frowning deeply. “God, you checkout people are thick in the head. Look, can I have my money back or not?”

“I’m sorry but we’ve got a lot of people waiting and we really need to sort this out.” Remus cut in. He could feel Peter looking at him but also knew that the smaller lad felt relieved that the focus was off of him. The other lad, Sirius apparently, looked impressed and even more amused as he continued to openly stare at him.

“I don’t care about that, I was here first.” She practically spat with a smile just as fake as Remus’ had been, leaning closer to the counter in what Remus was sure was supposed to be an intimidating manner. But Remus wasn’t so easily intimidated and wouldn’t stand for her shit. “God, whatever happened to the customer’s almost right, eh?”

That got a few people to look over to see what the commotion was about so Remus waited a few seconds for everyone to look away before he leaned closer in a way that looked casual and friendly but as he spoke, his tone was the exact opposite and deadly quiet.

“Look, bitch..” He began, voice dangerously slow, fake smile still in place. “The only way you’re getting any money back is if you manage to drag your fat arse over this counter, and get it out of the till. Mind you, if you do get over this counter, I will stomp your arse into the ground ‘American History X’ style.” He practically hissed before straightening up slightly and looking her up and down with a look of complete disgust before smirking. “Bite the curb, bitch.”

As he stgraightened up, he realised that Peter had been nodding along to everything that he had said, Sirius (stupid name) was staring at him with his eyebrows raised so high that Remus feared that they would disappear into his hairline and the woman was looking at him with complete shock and horror on her face. He felt a hand clamp down on his shoulder and didn't need to turn around to see who it was.

“Is everything alright over here? You’ve got quite a queue.” Horace’s cheerful voice spoke. Remus glanced over his shoulder to smile innocently at the man.

“Of course, sir. This poor lady is just terribly confused-” Remus began but was cut off by the awful woman, who was now flushed and trembling slightly. Out of fear or rage, he wasn't sure, but it was an amusing sight.

“Th-this… This man had just threatened me!” She shrieked. Remus frowned in fake confusion, glancing at Peter, who was doing the same. He risked a glance at the woman’s son and saw that his face appeared to be confused as well. Bravo.

“Who? Our Remus? He would do no such thing. Would you, Remus?” Horace chortled, squeezing Remus’ shoulder.

“Of course not, sir. We were just trying to help her with her xbox and she started yelling.” He sighed, shaking his head slightly.

“It’s true, sir. She called us thick as well but we still tried to help her. She just wouldn’t listen.” Horace’s eyes hardened slightly at that. Despite how useless the woman could be, he would not tolerate abuse to his staff.

“I will not be having that. Leave at once.” It took Hoace, their security guard Frank and James to get the shrieking woman out of the shop.

“That was fun.” Remus said with a happy sigh as he pulled the labels all out of the machine now that they were all finished printing and had been checked. “Maybe I should work on the tills more often.

“Over my dead body.” Remus merely laughed and entered the main area of the shop to relabel.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

“Do you usually tell customers to bite the curb or was my mother just a lucky case?” Remus frowned at the voice and looked up from where he had been fishing through his bag in an attempt to find his car keys. The lad from earlier, Sirius, was stood down the alleyway by the side of the shop smoking the end of a cigarette. He finished it and flicked it further down the alley.

“Do you usually wait outside peoples work for them or am I a lucky case?” Remus retorted sarcastically, raising a brow, although his heart was beating unnaturally fast. Was it because the lad was outrageously gorgeous and part of Remus wanted to climb him like a tree or because he had threatened an old woman and now her son was waiting for him down an alley? He really wasn’t sure.

“Very witty. I like you Remus.” Remus practically shit himself at the fact that the other lad knew his name but then he remembered Horace saying it. And then remembered that he was also wearing a nametag and wanted to slam his head against the brick wall that Sirius now straightened up from leaning on. 

When Remus didn’t say anything else and just glanced around them unsurely, Sirius chuckled and moved closer. “I vouched for you. You know, to your boss. Told him my mother was losing her shit in her old age. He seemed to buy it.”

“Oh…” That hadn’t been what he was expecting at all. “Oh… Thank you.”

“So, it looks like you owe me.”

“Are… Are you blackmailing me?” Remus asked incredulously as Sirius took another step closer. If Remus reached his arm out, he would be touching Sirius.

“I guess you could call it that. Or you could call it a date. We can go get coffee. You’re paying this time, of course.” Remus couldn’t believe it. And he couldn’t help noticing the ‘this time.’

“Is this you asking me out on a date?!” He scoffed, now shuffling slightly and becoming just a bit closer to Sirius. 

“That depends… is it working?”

Remus thought about it for a few moments and then waited for a few seconds, just to take Sirius down a peg or two. “Just. For future reference, blackmailing isn’t the way to go. But we can work on that. Over coffee.”


	2. Chapter 2 - Starbucks AND Costa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi hello I am shit  
> where have I been??
> 
> I do not know  
> I also don't know where this came from or why it took the turn that it did but here it is
> 
> enjoy???

  
  


[21:36]  _ Hey, it’s me. You get home okay? _

 

[21:37]  **Hi, me. I’m dad. Yeah, my roommate was pissed about me waking him up but tough shit.**

 

[21:37]  _ Very funny. You’re lucky that I’m used to arseholes so I can take your humour. _

 

[21:37]  **I’m sure you are. You get home alright? No tragic crashes or muggings?**

 

[21:38]  _ Thankfully not. Reckon I could take anyone on anyways. _

 

[21:38]  **Yes, you’re incredibly scary. Scariest guy that I know that’s scared of his own mother.**

 

[21:39]  _ Hey, not all of us have balls as big as yours, mr sassmaster. Besides, if I had stepped in then I wouldn’t have witnessed you threatening her. Opportunity of a lifetime. _

 

[21:42]  **Hardly. Happens a lot - that’s why I’m not allowed on the tills.**

 

[21:42]  _ So I’ve heard. Reckon I might have to come into the shop more often if that’s a regular occurence. _

 

[21:43]  **Fine by me. But for future reference, I take three sugars in my tea. Best to get it from Costa, not Starbucks. They use better teabags.**

 

[21:43]  **I’m off to bed now. Talk to you tomorrow. Thanks for today.**

 

[21:45]  _ I’ll remember that. No worries, sweet dreams, Remus xoxo _

  
  
  


Remus went through a maelstrom of emotions as a cup was placed on the till in front of him. Surprise, fondness, disbelief, happiness to name a few. A smile was already quirking at his lips as he knew immediately who it was. “Ever heard of playing hard to get? Aren’t you supposed to wait a few days after a date before you see them again or something like that? Hardly playing it cool, Black.”

 

He looked up through his lashes to see Sirius’ blinding grin, something in a Starbucks cup in his hand. Remus couldn’t help shaking his head as he noticed that his own was in a Costa cup. Did Sirius really go to Starbucks AND costa? He was something else.

 

“I don’t believe in that shit. When you know, you know.” Sirius winked. Remus raised a brow.

 

“Is this a proposal? It feels like a proposal.” He smirked before tutting and shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Sirius. I just think it’s a bit soon.” He sighed.

 

“Damn, I got a ring and everything.” Sirius played along, smirking back at him. Remus chuckled softly but before he could say anything else, the door to the shop was once again slammed open. Both lads groaned upon seeing who it was, although Sirius attempted to hide his. Remus’ was stupidly loud enough that Mrs Black spotted him right away. It felt like mere seconds before she was storming up to the counter again.

 

“I demand to speak to your manager.” She spat. Remus made a big show of wiping underneath his eye as if she had actually spat on him.

 

“Mrs Black, how nice of you to come and see us again. I had assumed that you would still be crushed underneath that house in Munchkinland.” Remus said pleasantly, not even flinching as she slams her hands down on the desk in front of him, fuming.

 

“How dare you speak to me in such a manner. The manager! Now!” She screeched.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Remus said with faux sincerity. “Did you leave something when you were here last? Your dalmation coat, perhaps?” Again, he did not flinch, although this time it was not at Mrs Black, but her son. Remus glared at him, although it was all for show, as he grabbed a rag from under the counter and wiped away the coffee that Sirius had spat out in an attempt to not laugh. He smiled sweetly at Mrs Black as Sirius cleaned himself up, attempting to stop giggling.

 

“Sirius Orion Black, that is not funny! Somebody get me the manager! Immediately!” Mrs Black was saved from further commenting from Remus as Peter came running over, cheeks flushed and slightly out of breath. Looking up, Remus realised that whilst the store was mostly empty, all of the other members of staff appeared to be watching, although all of them seemed entertained.

 

The commotion again seemed to get Horace’s attention and he soon appeared, poking his head out of his office with a vacant grin. “Is everything alright out here?”

 

“Unfortunately not, sir. It’s the same lady from yesterday. She’s doing it again. She must be terribly confused.” Remus sighed sympathetically, although he was smirking. He kept his eyes on Mrs Black so that Slughorn couldn’t see. That was clearly a breaking point for her as she attempted to lunge herself over the counter at Remus with another screech. 

 

The lad managed to step back just in time, although she did knock over his tea, spilling it all over Remus, who gasped and then glared at her. James and Frank were there within seconds, hauling the woman away yet again. Everyone was yelling and Remus could see Slughorn on the phone, presumably calling the police. For a moment, he felt bad about it, seeing as he had provoked her but if half of the stories that Sirius had told him were true then she deserved it, if not more.

 

“Banned! Banned from my shop!” Slughorn was screaming, as he waited to be connected to someone on the other end. He soon went into his office as the call went through for a bit of quiet.

 

“Holy shit, that was fantastic!” Sirius grinned, and Remus couldn’t help chuckling softly, rubbing at his clothes in an attempt to dry it. Thankfully, he was due to do his washing anyway.

 

He couldn’t help worrying about how things would go down when Sirius got home, and his smile faded. It didn’t take long for Sirius to pick up on it and he placed his hand on top of Remus. 

 

“Hey, don’t worry about it.” He said softly, as Slughorn came closer, covering the phone with his hand for a moment.

 

“Remus, you may go. I’m not making you work like that. Go home and have a rest, it’s been a rough few days.” 

 

Sirius grinned at him, holding a hand out to him. “Come on, I’ll get you another tea.”

  
  


[01:02] **Hey...** **You up??**

 

[01:08]  **Do you have a first aid kid?**

 

[01:22]  **Well, you’re gonna need one.**

 

[01:25]  **If you don’t, I can get you one.**

 

[01:25]  **Everyone should have a first aid kit.**

 

[01:27]  **Remus Remus Remus**

 

[01:31]  **I’m near your flat… Or I think it’s your flat. I’m just following you on find my friends… Please wake up.**

 

[01:32]  _ Is that a threat? _

 

[01:32]  _ What the fucj sirius it’s 1am _

 

[01:33]  **I’m sorry.. I’m outside your flat.**

 

[01:36]  _ Door’s open, kettle’s on. I have a first aid kid. Passcode for the front door is 7308. Let yourself in. _

  
  


Two hours later, Remus finally was able to get back into bed. Although he was no longer alone. He had a freshly showered and slightly bandaged up Sirius with him. The other lad’s injuries weren’t horrific but they weren’t great either. A few scratches, bruises and burns. 

 

He was wearing some of Remus’ trackies, his best ones. They were long on him and the waist was tied as tightly as possible, as well as a t shirt that he was swimming in. It was hardly the state Remus had thought that Sirius would be in when in his bed for the first time but Remus thought he looked adorable, regardless.

 

“Thanks, Remus.” Sirius murmured softly, his voice muffled from where his face was pressed against Remus’ chest.

 

“No need to thank me, Sirius. It’s my fault.” Remus sighed, guilt eating him alive. His frown deepened as Sirius pushed himself up with a wince. “Hey, hey. Lay back down.” He gently pushed him until the other lad did, although Sirius was still looking up at him with a frown almost identical to Remus’.

 

“It’s not your fault. I’ve been acting up a lot recently. You just… Gave it all a nudge. But I’m not bothered.” Sirius said softly, causing Remus to roll his eyes.

 

“You should be bothered. It’s 3am and you’re only just going to bed because your own mother beat the shit out of you and kicked you out. Because of me!”

 

“Okay…” Sirius said softly, consolingly. “Okay, that’s sort of true. But… Well, I can’t think of anywhere else I’d want to be right now.” He practically whispered.

 

Remus paused for a moment there. Despite Sirius’ injuries, he was glad to know that Sirius was out of that horrible house. Things would be rough and they still had to go and get Sirius’ belongings yet. That wouldn’t be fun. It was also a big step for them but Remus had reassured the other lad that he could stay for as long as he wanted. Although Sirius had been joking, Remus agreed with him. When you know, you know.

 

He felt his frown lessen until eventually he managed a small smile at the younger lad that was curled up on his chest, looking up at him with happy eyes. “Yeah… I’m glad you’re here too.”

**Author's Note:**

> [I don’t even know what this is but enjoy! Inspired by Rostered On, which you should definitely go watch because it is incredibly. Let me know if you want more of sassy sarcastic arsehole worker Remus because I could do another chapter or two if people wanted it… Who knows!
> 
> Please give me love because my life is terrible and I need validation okay thanks bye
> 
> I'm also super closer to 100 followers on tumblr so go follow me??? 
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/nifflersfancy ]


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